Is this a good beginning?
This is just the beginning of a book i'm writing, but it's not finished yet. prolouge-Emerald eyes On June seventeenth, at exactly the stroke of midnight, a baby girl weighing eight pounds and six ounces, with her feternal twin was born to Michael and America Mendler. Two proud parents, already mother and father to many. Matthew, Maxamillion, Michael, Athena, Arena, Jerimiah and Josphia. The year was 1998 at Edwards Hospital in Naperville, Illinois. Two nurses held uo the twins, side by side, both wrapped in pink. The other twin was asleep, but the other was wide awake. Ger eyes were wide with wonder, her eyes bright and clear, a smile on her gace. Her blanket couldn't restrain her tiny arms and skinny little hands. A small whisp of blond hair was sticking up on her head. Her eyes lashes were black, despite her blond hair. Her skin was a bright shade of ivory, there was no color in her cheeks or the rest of her. The nurses were baffled by the one twin's excited behavior and weir features but relieved by the other twin's normal behavior. One twin would drink formula, the abnormal twin would only drink fat free milk mixed with warm honey. One twin clung to both her parents, the other wanted only her dad. One woke up every hour or so, the other slept through the night. One twins teeth were soft and milky colored, the others were strong and white, adult teeth. They weren't sharp or jagged, like a person might think they'd be. And this child, she was curious, bright, sweet and wild. "What shall you name them?"A nurse asked, passing the demanding, abnormal twin to her father as another passed the normal, sweet little twin to her mother. "I haven't got a clue."Michael said, rocking his baby girl slowly, trying to lull her to sleep, but it didn't work. Failed attempt number....ten? To lull her to sleep. The other twin, the normal twin, was fast asleep in her mothers arms. The mother slowly rocked the baby in her arms, giving the abnormal twins name some thought. She came up with a name when she saw a flower through the window, by a pond. It was a water lily. and it was beautiful. "Lily Belle."America said out loud. The baby girl clapped her hands and squealed in her fathers arms. And then the mother sighed and to her normal baby, "Laurel Whyte." Soon after, the twins were being passed from child to child in the Mendler family. Lily dazzled everyone. But they dazzled her, too. Being dazzled while dazzling. Everyone loved Lily but Lily loved everyone, too. She loved her father the most. Soon after Lily and Laurel were born, at the age of one month, Lily and her family moved to Copenhogden, Denmark. The family lived there for four long years, until a tragedy struck the family. Michael dissapeared one day while fishing on the families boat in the ocean. they moved after a year of searching for him. They set up searches in the near country, Sweden. Also in other countries like, Germany, Switzerland, France. The family soon gave up and America moved everyone to Kansas where they started a farm. The other's didn't like to work, but Lily did. Working up from feeding chickens, to brushing and taking horses, to repainting fences and mailboxes and picking and planting in the garden. When Lily reached the age of twelve, another tragedy struck her life. Her mother died in a car crash with her friends parents. Flatt Quenn, Jeliah Mixx, Jazmin Young, Cedric Yorkk and his baby sister, Rukai Yorkk were also left parentless. But let's begin this story on June seventeen, five thirty in the morning. Was that a good beginning? leave answers to let me know!
Books & Authors - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Wow it's totally a good beginning! But i think you should do it the way you like it... I'm writing myself a book, I'm 14 years old, and it doesn't looks even a little bit like this opening you have there. It's a great introduction for what's about to happen. Quite interesting i should say. Good luck with that book of yours and keep on it, I think it's going to be really good.
2 :
It's a really interesting idea but right away I'm curious about why the parents have so many children. It might get confusing to tell them all apart later. You could edit the first two sentences together. For instance (and I don't think you need 'exactly') Also, are both twins girls? You mean fraternal. No need to mention the weight unless it's a detail that will come out later. Too much description bogs it down. 'On June 17, 1998 at the stroke of midnight, fraternal baby girls were born to Michael and America Mendler. (any reason the reader needs to know the name of the hospital?) Two nurses held the twins side by side, both wrapped in pink. One (the other and the other?) was asleep, but the other was wide awake with eyes full of wonder (newborn babies can't smile, sorry.) A small whisp of blond hair was sticking up on her head although her lashes were black. (bright shade of ivory? Consider revising. It doesn't make sense) At this point I think you should name the twins so when you refer from one to the other the reader will know who you mean. If this is 1998, don't say 'shall.' It's old fashioned. Edit all the stuff describing them way down and *please* don't use the word dazzling over and over. I had a Twilight flashback. Not good. Tell the story in as few words as possible. For instance When they were one month old, the family moved to Copenhogden, Denmark. Simple. Then you flash forward four years, so that seems to happen too fast and then they move again. It's confusing. One move is enough. Then Lily is twelve? slow it down a little. Then there's another tragedy and then you say 'let's begin?' The Mom dying seems like overkill and the story's already begun so you don't need that. Keep working on it and good luck!
Read more discussion :
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
What do you think of this story my cousin made? please check, any opinion is okay
What do you think of this story my cousin made? please check, any opinion is okay?
More like script, I don't know and her name is Lisa Title: "Forbidden Love" Crissy: John wait up (carrying bag) John: Hurry, the flight starts at 8:30, we'll be 5 minutes late Crissy: Sorry but- John: Come on, hop in, let's go! Crissy: Fine!! (goes in car) John: (kisses Crissy) I'm so happy that we can be together for a long time again Crissy: Yeah well, you went to France for 2 years, I missed you a lot John: (hug) I missed you too (still driving) Phone of Crissy: (rings) Crissy: (answers) Hello? Mom of Crissy: Hello Honey?! Where in the world are you?! Crissy: Um, on the way to the airport, why? Mom of Crissy: Your father has been in a car accident. . . he's in the hospital Crissy: Huh?! which? Mom of Crissy: St. Joseph. . . Crissy: Okay I'll see you there! (hangs up) John: What just happened? Crissy: Go to St. Joseph, Now! My dad got into an accident John: Oh babe, I feel sorry, I'm so sorry Crissy: (cries) -At St. Joseph hospital- Crissy: Mom?! where is he? Mom: (cries) In that room. . . Crissy: (looks in) (hugs John) John: (hugs) Everything'll be alright Crissy: (cries) John: (sits down) Crissy: (sits down) (wipes tears) Mom of Crissy: . . . . . (cries) (drinks water) John: I'm sorry Mrs. Lopez. . . . . I feel so sorry. . . Mom of Crissy: Thank you. . .(stops) (wipes tears) Crissy: John, maybe we could just go on a vacation next week or so. . . John: Okay.. . - 20 minutes later - Doctor: Ma'am, he will be fine now, the accident just caused a minor injury on him, nothing to worry about Crissy: Thank you so much Nurse: But I believe he will be taking up lots of medical needs and merchandise in the future. . . Mom of Crissy: Oh dear. . . -after 3 days- Crissy: Dad be careful! Dad of Crissy: I know. .. Crissy: (answers phone) Hello? John this is you right? John: Yeah, just asked how is your dad Crissy: He's fine. . John: Good, when will we go on a vacation? Crissy: Sorry John, maybe next month John: Huh? Crissy: Even though Dad is fine he still needs me. . . John: Great!! (mad) Crissy: John! John: (hangs up) Crissy: JOHN!!!!. . . Mom of Crissy: Crissy keep the noise down. Crissy: . . . .. . Mom I'm just going to the park. . . . .bye.. . . (leaves) (goes to Naturalic Park) John: What are you doing here? Crissy: Coincidence. . . John: (walks away) Crissy: I'm sorry. . . . but It's not my fault John, I love you but. . . this is all too hard for me, I'm so sorry John: Okay, It's alright. . . (hugs) Crissy: I love you so much. . . Lilian: Oh my gosh babe! Who is that? John: Um, that's my assistant manager .. Crissy: What?! I'm your girlfriend, and who is that?? John: Um. . . Lilian: Huh? shut up! I'm his girlfriend Crissy: (leaves) John: Let me explain!!!!! Crissy: Explain what? John: Okay, when I went to France, I fell in love with her, and now I was planning to meet up with her today and forgot. . . Crissy: I loved you first! I loved you before you went to France, I loved you until today!!!! (slaps) Lilian: I hate you!! I hate you!!! why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend that day we met? WHY?! (slaps) Lilian and Crissy: (leaves) John: Guys! Sorry. . .I'm really sorry! ~The End </3 ~ Well, what do you think of my cousin's story? I think it's pretty lame. . oh and by the way, which person did you think was the most heartbroken, Lilian or Crissa? Hey guys,. remember my cousin did this. . .
Singles & Dating - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
A Little Bit Wooden. People Wouldn't Actually Talk Like That.. They Don't Say 'Huh?' But Good Storyline.
2 :
I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I read that. Crissy was obviously more effected than the new person. Needs better dialogue...try again.
Read more discussion :
More like script, I don't know and her name is Lisa Title: "Forbidden Love" Crissy: John wait up (carrying bag) John: Hurry, the flight starts at 8:30, we'll be 5 minutes late Crissy: Sorry but- John: Come on, hop in, let's go! Crissy: Fine!! (goes in car) John: (kisses Crissy) I'm so happy that we can be together for a long time again Crissy: Yeah well, you went to France for 2 years, I missed you a lot John: (hug) I missed you too (still driving) Phone of Crissy: (rings) Crissy: (answers) Hello? Mom of Crissy: Hello Honey?! Where in the world are you?! Crissy: Um, on the way to the airport, why? Mom of Crissy: Your father has been in a car accident. . . he's in the hospital Crissy: Huh?! which? Mom of Crissy: St. Joseph. . . Crissy: Okay I'll see you there! (hangs up) John: What just happened? Crissy: Go to St. Joseph, Now! My dad got into an accident John: Oh babe, I feel sorry, I'm so sorry Crissy: (cries) -At St. Joseph hospital- Crissy: Mom?! where is he? Mom: (cries) In that room. . . Crissy: (looks in) (hugs John) John: (hugs) Everything'll be alright Crissy: (cries) John: (sits down) Crissy: (sits down) (wipes tears) Mom of Crissy: . . . . . (cries) (drinks water) John: I'm sorry Mrs. Lopez. . . . . I feel so sorry. . . Mom of Crissy: Thank you. . .(stops) (wipes tears) Crissy: John, maybe we could just go on a vacation next week or so. . . John: Okay.. . - 20 minutes later - Doctor: Ma'am, he will be fine now, the accident just caused a minor injury on him, nothing to worry about Crissy: Thank you so much Nurse: But I believe he will be taking up lots of medical needs and merchandise in the future. . . Mom of Crissy: Oh dear. . . -after 3 days- Crissy: Dad be careful! Dad of Crissy: I know. .. Crissy: (answers phone) Hello? John this is you right? John: Yeah, just asked how is your dad Crissy: He's fine. . John: Good, when will we go on a vacation? Crissy: Sorry John, maybe next month John: Huh? Crissy: Even though Dad is fine he still needs me. . . John: Great!! (mad) Crissy: John! John: (hangs up) Crissy: JOHN!!!!. . . Mom of Crissy: Crissy keep the noise down. Crissy: . . . .. . Mom I'm just going to the park. . . . .bye.. . . (leaves) (goes to Naturalic Park) John: What are you doing here? Crissy: Coincidence. . . John: (walks away) Crissy: I'm sorry. . . . but It's not my fault John, I love you but. . . this is all too hard for me, I'm so sorry John: Okay, It's alright. . . (hugs) Crissy: I love you so much. . . Lilian: Oh my gosh babe! Who is that? John: Um, that's my assistant manager .. Crissy: What?! I'm your girlfriend, and who is that?? John: Um. . . Lilian: Huh? shut up! I'm his girlfriend Crissy: (leaves) John: Let me explain!!!!! Crissy: Explain what? John: Okay, when I went to France, I fell in love with her, and now I was planning to meet up with her today and forgot. . . Crissy: I loved you first! I loved you before you went to France, I loved you until today!!!! (slaps) Lilian: I hate you!! I hate you!!! why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend that day we met? WHY?! (slaps) Lilian and Crissy: (leaves) John: Guys! Sorry. . .I'm really sorry! ~The End </3 ~ Well, what do you think of my cousin's story? I think it's pretty lame. . oh and by the way, which person did you think was the most heartbroken, Lilian or Crissa? Hey guys,. remember my cousin did this. . .
Singles & Dating - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
A Little Bit Wooden. People Wouldn't Actually Talk Like That.. They Don't Say 'Huh?' But Good Storyline.
2 :
I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I read that. Crissy was obviously more effected than the new person. Needs better dialogue...try again.
Read more discussion :
Monday, February 7, 2011
Fundementalist athiest or Yahoo athiests who is more of a nut
Fundementalist athiest or Yahoo athiests who is more of a nut?
The guy who is in the looney bin who thinks he is Napolean bonaparte RULER of France. OR the nut who stands there and argues with him? All the nurses would like to know. a fundementalist athiest is one who like fundementalist christians read a metaphor for something deeper and dismiss it because they dont get metaphor. who take the readings LITERALLY as children do. THE anal need to point out spelling mistakes is also a deep rooted behaviour in there literal non poetic existence Now im being attacked.
Religion & Spirituality - 11 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
What is a "fundementalist athiest"?
2 :
Come again??
3 :
or the guy who can't spell atheist.
4 :
It's the guy named Rich that consistently mispells 'atheist'.
5 :
What is more stupid, a person who worships a God they can't see or a person who is offended by a God they don't believe exists?" -Brad Stine
6 :
I choose answer C, Extremist Christians.
7 :
What is an "athiest"?
8 :
I'm nuttier than squirrel poop, but I'm still not crazy enough to believe in talking snakes.
9 :
Does this make you nurse Ratchet?
10 :
You know, I'd might and big M on that might take you more seriously if you could actually spell and use grammar and punctuate. Also, I've never heard of a fundamentalist atheist - and I believe the fundamentalist christian is more of a nut. :) Jen xoxo
11 :
Both of them probably can probably spell better than you. Misspellings show a lack of education, jackass.
Read more discussion :
The guy who is in the looney bin who thinks he is Napolean bonaparte RULER of France. OR the nut who stands there and argues with him? All the nurses would like to know. a fundementalist athiest is one who like fundementalist christians read a metaphor for something deeper and dismiss it because they dont get metaphor. who take the readings LITERALLY as children do. THE anal need to point out spelling mistakes is also a deep rooted behaviour in there literal non poetic existence Now im being attacked.
Religion & Spirituality - 11 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
What is a "fundementalist athiest"?
2 :
Come again??
3 :
or the guy who can't spell atheist.
4 :
It's the guy named Rich that consistently mispells 'atheist'.
5 :
What is more stupid, a person who worships a God they can't see or a person who is offended by a God they don't believe exists?" -Brad Stine
6 :
I choose answer C, Extremist Christians.
7 :
What is an "athiest"?
8 :
I'm nuttier than squirrel poop, but I'm still not crazy enough to believe in talking snakes.
9 :
Does this make you nurse Ratchet?
10 :
You know, I'd might and big M on that might take you more seriously if you could actually spell and use grammar and punctuate. Also, I've never heard of a fundamentalist atheist - and I believe the fundamentalist christian is more of a nut. :) Jen xoxo
11 :
Both of them probably can probably spell better than you. Misspellings show a lack of education, jackass.
Read more discussion :
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
i need people to check my essay for errors, please
i need people to check my essay for errors, please!?
Armando Madrigal English 803 Prof. Potratz November 30 2009 Health Care Spending Crisis in America According to the World Health Organization report America ranks third place in handling overall healthcare expenditures, and number one when it comes to health care spending as a percentage of gross domestic product (GDP). What are the causes for the poor performance America takes in controlling its healthcare costs? What advantages do other nations like France and Taiwan have over ours? To lower healthcare expenditures and save the healthcare system time and money, America needs to change its’ emergency care system, its’ medical and information storage system, and its’ public hospital system. One change the United States could make to improve our healthcare system is to revamp our emergency care system, which would save the system money and would improve car people with true emergencies. In France, the emergency medical services, or EMS, are a branch of emergency services dedicated to providing out-of-hospital decisive medical care to patients with real illnesses. The emergency medical services are also dedicated to transporting patients with real illnesses to separate medical facilities that offer specialized treatment to the patient. Within France’s emergency medical services lies The Emergency Medical Assistant Services (SAMU). In France, when you have a medical emergency, you must first dial the number 15, which the call is quickly received by the SAMU call center. There a physician, attended by secretaries, determines the most suitable response. After a short and precise telephone conversation with the caller, the “regulator doctor†also known as emergentists, who takes into account the resources available at the time, decides on the most suitable solution to the problem posed. The emergentist then assumes responsibility for starting up the appropriate procedures, monitoring its progress, and coordinating all the personnel involved. Upon arrival at the scene, the entire staff comprised of a regulator doctor, nurses, and technicians, treat the patient at the scene. On average it takes 45 minutes for SAMU to treat the patient. If the patient does need further treatment, the regulator doctor chooses a hospital not by its’ proximity, but its specialty. In France, the idea is to bypass the emergency room all together. In America, there are little similarities compared to France’s emergency care system. In America, the emergency medical services are comprised of ambulance teams of paramedics or EMTs. The ambulance teams in America are dedicated to transporting patients with real illnesses to the nearest hospital. In America, when a person has a medical emergency they must first dial the nationwide phone number 911, where the emergency dispatch center quickly receives the call. There a dispatcher, attended by a supervisor, determines the location of the emergency and sends an ambulance team to the scene. Upon arrival at the scene, the goal of the paramedics is not to treat the patient at the scene, but to stabilize the patient in the ambulance in order to take him/her to the nearest hospital center. The entire staff of an ambulance team is comprised of only paramedics, who are trained in first aid safety and handling of medical equipment. The average time it takes an ambulance team to reach the scene, stabilize the patient, and transport him/her to a hospital is roughly 25 minutes. Once the paramedics reach the emergency room, too often the patient will have to wait until a bed or room clears before being treated by an E.R doctor. In America, the idea is not like France’s treat the patient at the scene, but a direct pickup and go type of situation. Emulating France’s system of emergency healthcare is a time and cost effective measure because out of every 1000 calls SAMU receives, only about 50 turn out to be real medical emergencies. This is part due to the regulator doctor who answers the calls, determines if the patient needs a team of SAMU or not. That means in more than 95% of the cases, France’s SAMU team can deal with the call without using the full team, evidently reducing costs of the emergency services. Adopting France’s system of emergency care would help the American system save time, money, and treat those with true medical emergencies. Another change the United States could make to improve our health care system is to change the way hospitals and medical clinics store our medical and personal information by using electronic cards. This would save the healthcare system time and money, which would lower costs on overall healthcare expenditures. In Taiwan, the standardized health record system uses highly innovated technology called integrated circuit smart cards. The electronic medical records (EMR) are a system of medical and personal information storekeeping of patient’s records. With the adoption of the National Health Insurance and medical records, all medical examination record in it's an essay of 5 paragraphs.
Homework Help - 1 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Paragraphs? or is this like a bussiness letter?
Read more discussion :
Armando Madrigal English 803 Prof. Potratz November 30 2009 Health Care Spending Crisis in America According to the World Health Organization report America ranks third place in handling overall healthcare expenditures, and number one when it comes to health care spending as a percentage of gross domestic product (GDP). What are the causes for the poor performance America takes in controlling its healthcare costs? What advantages do other nations like France and Taiwan have over ours? To lower healthcare expenditures and save the healthcare system time and money, America needs to change its’ emergency care system, its’ medical and information storage system, and its’ public hospital system. One change the United States could make to improve our healthcare system is to revamp our emergency care system, which would save the system money and would improve car people with true emergencies. In France, the emergency medical services, or EMS, are a branch of emergency services dedicated to providing out-of-hospital decisive medical care to patients with real illnesses. The emergency medical services are also dedicated to transporting patients with real illnesses to separate medical facilities that offer specialized treatment to the patient. Within France’s emergency medical services lies The Emergency Medical Assistant Services (SAMU). In France, when you have a medical emergency, you must first dial the number 15, which the call is quickly received by the SAMU call center. There a physician, attended by secretaries, determines the most suitable response. After a short and precise telephone conversation with the caller, the “regulator doctor†also known as emergentists, who takes into account the resources available at the time, decides on the most suitable solution to the problem posed. The emergentist then assumes responsibility for starting up the appropriate procedures, monitoring its progress, and coordinating all the personnel involved. Upon arrival at the scene, the entire staff comprised of a regulator doctor, nurses, and technicians, treat the patient at the scene. On average it takes 45 minutes for SAMU to treat the patient. If the patient does need further treatment, the regulator doctor chooses a hospital not by its’ proximity, but its specialty. In France, the idea is to bypass the emergency room all together. In America, there are little similarities compared to France’s emergency care system. In America, the emergency medical services are comprised of ambulance teams of paramedics or EMTs. The ambulance teams in America are dedicated to transporting patients with real illnesses to the nearest hospital. In America, when a person has a medical emergency they must first dial the nationwide phone number 911, where the emergency dispatch center quickly receives the call. There a dispatcher, attended by a supervisor, determines the location of the emergency and sends an ambulance team to the scene. Upon arrival at the scene, the goal of the paramedics is not to treat the patient at the scene, but to stabilize the patient in the ambulance in order to take him/her to the nearest hospital center. The entire staff of an ambulance team is comprised of only paramedics, who are trained in first aid safety and handling of medical equipment. The average time it takes an ambulance team to reach the scene, stabilize the patient, and transport him/her to a hospital is roughly 25 minutes. Once the paramedics reach the emergency room, too often the patient will have to wait until a bed or room clears before being treated by an E.R doctor. In America, the idea is not like France’s treat the patient at the scene, but a direct pickup and go type of situation. Emulating France’s system of emergency healthcare is a time and cost effective measure because out of every 1000 calls SAMU receives, only about 50 turn out to be real medical emergencies. This is part due to the regulator doctor who answers the calls, determines if the patient needs a team of SAMU or not. That means in more than 95% of the cases, France’s SAMU team can deal with the call without using the full team, evidently reducing costs of the emergency services. Adopting France’s system of emergency care would help the American system save time, money, and treat those with true medical emergencies. Another change the United States could make to improve our health care system is to change the way hospitals and medical clinics store our medical and personal information by using electronic cards. This would save the healthcare system time and money, which would lower costs on overall healthcare expenditures. In Taiwan, the standardized health record system uses highly innovated technology called integrated circuit smart cards. The electronic medical records (EMR) are a system of medical and personal information storekeeping of patient’s records. With the adoption of the National Health Insurance and medical records, all medical examination record in it's an essay of 5 paragraphs.
Homework Help - 1 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Paragraphs? or is this like a bussiness letter?
Read more discussion :
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)